The police brought me to the station. I was quiet, I was sad, and as I walked I stared only at my feet making slow steps. My hand still hurt, but the paramedic had bandaged and cleaned it well. It was sore but no longer dirty. The cuts on my forehead had also been cleaned and bandaged. They didn’t hurt.
Its hard to explain how far my imagination took me when I thought about that tick, and how it had burst on me.
I did look up and not to the ground when I walked through the doors of the station. Off to the side, in a contained room were Mary and Irwin. They held each other. Mary wept while Irwin held her. Her face was swollen, red and wet. Irwin stroked her back has he held her. He looked as if he had already cried, and both of them did not see me watch them.
They brought me into the captain’s office and told me to wait there. I did, and I thought about my friend. I remembered how much I would miss him.
…..
If you’re going to watch someone die then you might as well watch them live too.
…..
The captain walked into his office. His name was Terry Peterson, and I had know him through my store. He sat down and stared at me while he breathed heavy through his nose. He asked me about the altercation I had had earlier, when I tackled Mary’s father on Main Street. I lied again, and stuck to the story the murderer had told. “He insulted me and I tackled him.” Then Peterson asked me about Mary, asked me how I knew her. I told him that she had waited on me many times at the restaurant. Peterson looked smug, like he knew I wasn’t being completely honest. He finally asked me about my manic display in Rusty’s, why I hit the boy, threatened his life and launched into a tirade on morality. I told him that I couldn’t really explain, but I was very sorry, and that all I wanted to do was protect Mary from getting caught in the fight. My clothing was still covered in then dry, brown-red blood.
…..
Brainwash me you ignorant people. I want to live in your murk.
…..
After Peterson smirked and shook his head for a while he gave me a lecture about self-control, and what is considered to be ‘going to far.’ Then the phone rang. I didn’t eavesdrop, or even pay attention at all to his conversation. I hardly could pay attention to the room I sat in. When he hung up I paid attention again. He told me that it was the Mayor who he had just spoken with. I was not to be brought up on charges for assaulting the cop, but the family of the boy I attacked was probably going to sue. Peterson said that the Mayor would try to settle things with the boy’s family. He then smiled and asked how the Mayor and I had suddenly become such good friends. I shrugged, and looked at my hand.
…..
I am tired.
…..
I don’t remember what the station looked like, what color it was or what was on the walls. It was just another place where I had to sit and remember what I wished had not happened.
Terry Peterson recommended that I seek therapy. I told him that I’d think about it. He said the amount of rage and lunacy I displayed showed that I needed control, that I was letting out what should stay in its place. I nodded…and then he asked me one more question.
“They call you, Bear, right?”
“Yes…It’s an old nickname…My Coach?”
“Thought so…My old captain told me about you. He said he watched almost all of your fights. He was quite a fan.”
“Huh.”
“…Well, Bear…. Can I ask you if you know Lester Jones.”
“Yes sir, I do. His son works for me. Why?”
“Did you happen to see him today?”
“…Yes sir, I did.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I found him pissing on my car. We had an argument. He ran away?Why’d you bring Irwin down here?”
“What did Lester say to you?”
“That…he hated me. What happened? What did Lester do now?”
“You see…Bear…Lester Jones hanged himself from a tree in front of your grocery store,” he said.
“Oh…no…. Do you think I had something to do with it?”
“No, not really. It was obviously suicide.”
“What do you mean ‘not really’?”
“How do I put this…In front of the tree…Lester kicked away the snow.”
“OK.”
“Let me finish…. He actually wrote a sentence, a kind of phrase in the snow.” He said.
A phrase came to mind.
“What did it say?”
“He wrote, ‘Give away the burden to bear.’”
“Oh.”
“But…he capitalized the ‘B’ in Bear.”
“…”
I wanted to be silent for the rest of the night.
Through the window of Peterson’s office I saw Irwin and Mary, still locked together and embracing. Irwin looked at her face, her tears. She looked the same at his, and they kissed, simple, sweet and sad. If maybe for no other reason but to feel something other than sorrow.
“Someone has come to bring you home,” Peterson said. “You can go outside now, but I’m sure we’ll talk again soon.”
“Yes sir.”
I stood up, shook his hand, turned and walked out of his office, slow and straight through his door to the doors of the station. Outside there was a green Ford Taurus with its engine running. The exhaust mingled with the fog.
…..
When will they hurt me back…or have they all turned their cheeks?
…..
It was Coach who sat behind the wheel.
“C’mon son. Get in,” he said. His window was rolled down.
I walked around the front of the car and got in. He drove away from the station.
“You OK Bear?” he said.
“Not really. No”
“Well…fuck…I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.”
“Yeah.”
“I heard you a…really lost control tonight,” he said.
“Yes…I did.”
“It’s funny Bear. Well…not funny I guess, but remember our conversation today.”
“What? When you called me a taker?” I said.
“Yeah…and I also told you about my new star. The kid I think might go to state this year.”
“Sure Coach. Whatever.”
“Yeah, fuckin’ whatever…. Well you broke his face tonight. I talked to him. You scared the fucking shit out of him Bear. I don’t think he’s gonna box for awhile.”
“More shit, my fault.”
“You just got some real bad luck, son,” he said.
“Yeah Coach. I’m not doing too well, am I?”
He turned and looked at me. He was sad for me, but he smiled like I imagine a good father would for his son.
“You’ll be fine Bear. I’ll help if you want.”
“Yeah.”
“…You know Bear. I always knew what happened at state. I knew who that man was. It had to be him to get such a…wrath out of you.”
“Yeah…it was.”
“But you should have let me knock him down, not you. Someone else should be fighting for you…because…shit, you got way too much fuckin’ aggression to be let wild.”
“Yeah…I do.”? “So what now then? What changes?” he said.
“…I think I’ll train coach. I think I should box…. You’re right…I need an outlet for this guilt.”
“You need rules. Son, you need to keep it in the ring.”
“Yeah.”
“In there, it doesn’t matter where it all comes from. It’s civilized, you know…. Every boxer’s got something behind his punches.”
“Yeah.”
“Listen…I know I’ve only been your coach…but…you’re my boy. I’ve never…cared about someone like this…Fuck. You just have so much life in you, good and bad.”
“I’ve never been this sad Coach,” I said.
“Make changes, son. You know that you need to.”
“Yeah.”
He pulled up to my front door. Cary sat on the sidewalk in front if it.
“She’s still around Bear. Don’t ignore that…and…I’m sorry. I love you too much to let you go down like this.”
“Listen Coach…when my hand heals, I’ll come see you. We’ll start up again,” I said.
“You’ll see me sooner.”
He turned and hugged me. I thanked him, and got out of the car. Cary stood up and rushed to me.
“Benny…Oh God…Max.”
She wrapped her arms around me. I felt warmer than I had ever before. Everything welled up as heat, and the sorrow was going to burst. I was determined to keep moving, to heal. Cary felt just as warm, with just as much sorrow boiling. We held each other and grieved, and cried for Max.
“I’m sorry Cary. I’ve been?”
“Benny. Be quiet.”
I completely broke down.
“Max,” she said.
“I know………………………………..”
We held onto and poured over each other. Her hair clung to my face.
“Benny,” she said.
“Yes.”
“He’s yours.”
“Your son?”
“He’s yours too. He tried to find you himself today. He said he saw you. He saw you run in here. He said you were huge, but you looked tired.”
“He’s mine?”
“Yes.”
“…I knew that.”
“I should have told you,” she said. She pulled herself into me. She grabbed and pulled my back.
“You have to help us, Benny.”
We still held on.
“I will. I promise.”
“I trust you,” she said.
“I don’t want you to trust me?”
“We’ll talk about it later Benny,” she said.
Her smell was the same.
“Do you want me to stay,” she said.
“Not tonight Cary. I’ll come by the house tomorrow…I will, OK.”
“I know you will.”
“I have to lie down Cary. I’ve had enough of today.”
“OK,” she said.
…..
It’s funny how hope tends to travel with despair.
…..
She kissed me on the cheek and let go. I looked at her. She was sad but so much older and stronger than me. She had grown when I had only gone backwards, but I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t confused. I was looking forward. She walked away and the fog danced around her.
…..
In the soft dark of my room, after our college graduation, after we went to dinner together with our families, Cary and I undressed as we stood in front of each other. We watched each other’s body and the pleasant tension grew like warm jelly through our whole senses.
We stood naked and kissed. We were warm and my room was warm and humid too. Our tongues slid over our lips and mouths. Together we wet our lips, kissed our mouths and necks and shoulders. My hands, like paint brushes, drew lines up her side and circles around her breasts. We pulled each other close. As we kissed I walked her to the bed, and we wouldn’t let go of each other. I lowered her onto the bed and we were one moist knot, committed to never being untied.
On the bed she was flat beneath me. My mouth painted her body with kisses on her curves. My hands ran down her legs and teased the opening of her woman’s kiss. My sex was taught as she traced it with her palm.
“There isn’t anything better than this Cary,” I said as I looked her square in the eye and smiled my desire.
“I know,” she said.
We kissed again. Our arms wrapped around each other and we pulled hard as if we were trying to merge our frames. Outside, the cheers from graduation parties were faint beneath the wind of our heavy breaths.
“Just think. Of all the things a person can be doing right now, on Earth, we’re doing the best one,” I said.
“I love you Benny.”
“I love you too.”
The kissing continued. Our chins were moist from the fervor. I placed my hands over her, ran my fingers around her red triangle of whiskers and placed one finger on top of where she was wet.
She pulled her mouth from mine. Pleasurable sounds of lament seethed from her open mouth. I slid my fingers where they were. Her body felt warm, and tight, but she seemed to sink deeper into the mattress. I kissed her breasts as I felt her moist with my fingers. Her hands dug and pulled at the skin of my back. Our bodies became smooth as a thin glaze of sweat covered us. I stopped touching her.
“You know…I can’t imagine a day without you. I want you Cary, for as long as I can want anything.”
“How long is that?” she said.
“I don’t know…. When you have something amazing, then…when could there ever be a time when you don’t want it. When you realize something like that, like when a person completely illuminates you, then what could ever happen to make that go away. Nothing Cary. I want you…. You’re amazing…. You’re the most beautiful thing I have ever known, and there’s nothing I’d ever do to hurt you. I only want to be great for you.”
“I feel the same way,” she said.
Her naked body looked like life itself to me, beautiful, deep, and eternally full of angles to explore. She wrapped her fingers around my sex.
“How do you want me?” she said.
“From behind.”
“OK.”
She turned over, on her knees and palms, her full bottom in front of me. I got to my knees behind her, lay my hands on her back and shoulders as she pulled my sex to the moist opening of her woman’s kiss.
Forward. Our bodies tensed together and we both sighed deep and vocal. The warmth around me was pure comfort, an ecstatic oxymoron of water and fire at once. I drew my hands to the top curves of her ass. We moved in rhythm and her bottom felt like liquid arches as it pressed against my pelvis in rhythmic, almost swinging intervals.
She sighed and I faced electric scowls and voiced tense elated snarls. We pulled and rocked faster as our breaths blew fast, full puffs of wind. Our sweat glaze shone in the soft dark, and my hands slid over her back and around to her breasts.
“OK…. Let’s turn around,” I said.
“OK…. Top or bottom.”
“How about the corner of the bed…”
“Definitely,” she said.
As we moved to the corner of the bed we looked raw and pained, sore and stimulated. We glowed, and our hair looked wild and random. I sat on the corner, my legs touching the floor. She straddled me, her legs around my waist, arms on my back. She moved over me and sat down around me.
Our warmth wrapped around each other. Our mouths opened on top of each other. Our glaze made us slide together. We were warm, the rhythm, the tension. My hands over her bottom pulled her close, surrounding me more. We became louder, our breaths louder, our wails of awesome, wonderful torture. A faster rhythm, our whole bodies pulled us together. I felt chills, my hair on end, and the soft dark blurred around me. There was only her, her bowed lips and half-opened eyes, the shine on her brow, her hair dancing apart.
“I love you Cary.”
“I love you Benny.”
“Do you Cary?”
“I do.”
Faster yet, louder yet, tighter yet, closer yet.
“I only think of you anymore. I want you forever.”
“I want you Benny.”
“You do?”
“Yes.”
“Then marry me.”
We didn’t stop the rhythm. We were close to the shock.
“Are you serious?” she said.
“So serious. We’re two halves of the same thing.”
Breathe.
“I need you Cary.”
“I need you too.”
“Then, marry me.”
“I will.”
“What?”
“Yes. I will marry you. I love you.”
I pulled her hard and as close as she could be to me. Our mouths were one cavern. We kissed large, full, wild and deep. Our bodies still moved faster. I felt the beautiful pain, her body became tight. And then her moans were silenced, cut off by the tense preparation….
And then we were loosed, peeled open over each other. Hard, full, deep breaths flew. The numbing quivers took over us and our bodies were as alive as they could be. We came together and felt each other’s orgasm the same as we felt our own, and we held each other until the waves had left us.
I picked her up and asked her to stand in front of me. Her body looked limp, but her smile was firm. I reached into my dresser, pulled out a small box, opened it, dropped, naked to my knees, showed her the ring and said, “I love you.”
“She took the ring, smiled larger and said, “Yes.”
I picked her up again and put her flat on the bed. I kissed her on the forehead.
“That was different,” she said.
I lay down with her in the soft dark and heard the voices outside.
…..
I opened the door and walked up the stairs. Each step seemed farther than the next. I opened the door to my apartment. Voices from the street sifted through my windows. I heard drunk guys laugh and yell “Woo”, heard music roll out of the bars.
I walked to the kitchen and noticed the blinking ‘1’ on my answering machine. I dragged myself over to it and pressed the button.
“Hey Bear, its me. I just tried you again at the store but they said you ran out. I’m up in the mountains and I’m gonna hang out here for a little while. I think I’m gonna build a fire or something. So I might be a little late to Rusty’s. I’ll be there though?OH…I just thought of another one…Colonel Popcorn kernels…Ha…alright, see you later bro.” Beep.
I stepped over the broken glass on my kitchen floor.
I walked into my grey room and lay down on top of my bed. A woman outside yelled ‘Bitch’. And then it got silent for a moment. The clock didn’t tick, the radiator didn’t hiss, and the brick didn’t knock.
Silence, save for the sound of my breath…for a second.
…..
It is time to stop remembering.
…..
One thing stuck out in my mind. It was the old man murderer as he yelled ‘There are rules.’ I had said that too, but not as clearly. But what are the rules? Are they specific for each different individual? For us as each a unique story?… WE are stories, we are written and we are read. We are watched. And I believed in that. I believed that there was an audience. I believed that it wasn’t only me who had lived through this day? The reader saw it all. It was my purpose to be seen and heard as I ran like inked sentences…as I either kept or broke whatever rules there really are. I was never alone, and never would be until my story was over.
So I read the 94th Psalm. Then I put down the book, closed my eyes, and thought of you who will feed on me.